Angeli et amici: In Commemoratio S. Barbarae Virginis et Martyris

In the late 1960s many little girls playfully imagined that they were the purple suited, fiery wig wearing acrobatic adventurer Batgirl! Of course the tiny titans were also interestingly intrigued by her civilian identity as Police Commissioner Gordon's daughter who held the imposingly important job of Head Librarian of the Gotham City Library and whose name was Barbara.

Okay, I know that's not the most serious segue but what do you expect from this Joker? 

Switching Sixties screen symbolizations let us quoth from Around the Year with the Trapp Family by Maria Augusta Trapp regarding the Barbarazweig or Barbara Branch:  "On the fourth of December, unmarried members of the household are supposed to go out into the orchard and cut twigs from the cherry trees and put them into water. There is an old belief that whoever's cherry twig blossoms on Christmas Day can expect to get married in the following year. As most of us are always on tour at this time of the year, someone at home will be commissioned to "cut the cherry twigs." These will be put in a vase in a dark corner, each one with a name tag, and on Christmas Day they will be eagerly examined; and even if they are good for nothing else, they provide a nice table decoration for the Christmas dinner."

One of the medieval super-team known as the Fourteen Holy Helpers, St. Barbara is the patroness of artillerymen, military engineers, miners and others who work with explosives, fireworks manufacturers, firemen, stone masons and also of mathematicians; she is also invoked against sudden death, against fires, and against storms (especially lightning storms).  Her feast is celebrated by the British (Royal Artillery, RAF Armourers), Australian (Royal Regiment of Australian Artillery, RAAF Armourers), Canadian (Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technicians (EOD), Canadian Air Force Armourers, Royal Canadian Artillery, Canadian Military Field Engineers, Royal Canadian Navy Weapons Engineering Technicians), New Zealand (RNZAF Armourers, RNZA, RNZN Gunners Branch) armed forces. Additionally, it's celebrated by Irish Defence Forces Artillery Regiments, Norwegian Armed Forces Artillery Battalion, United States Army and Marine Corps Field and Air Defense Artillery, many Marine Corps Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technicians, and other Artillery formations. In art she is usually depicted as standing by a tower with three windows, carrying a palm branch and a chalice, sometimes with cannons by her side.   Biff! Bam! Kapow! Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In Dominica I Adventus

Once upon a time this ridiculous redactor meandered over to a particularly pious and potent parish that is silently situated on a simple side street in the nice neighborhood that is the surviving successor to Kleindeutschland. As it was the Lord's Day one simply situated oneself in a back pew like a good practicing cradle Catholic and assiduously assisted at the august Sacrifice of the Mass. After the final hymn one stealthily slithered into the sacristy to chat with the reverend rector of said parish (who at one time was a minister in an ecclesial community that was founded by a renegade Augustinian monk). One cutely complimented..."Sensational Sermon! Catholic Content" (and then lowering one's voice an octave) "Lutheran Length....."

The most famous Lutheran convert in the Catholic Church today is a pious piece of pyrotechnics succinctly summarized forthwith by the admirably astute Austrian Jesuit Father Francis X. Weiser: "The Advent wreath originated a few hundred years ago among the Lutheran population in Eastern Germany. It seems to have been suggested by one of the many light symbols which were used in folklore at the end of November and beginning of December. At that season of the year our pre-Christian forefathers began to celebrate the month of Yule (December) with the burning of lights and fires. The Christians in medieval times kept many of these light and fire symbols alive but Christianized them. In the sixteenth century somebody conceived the fortunate inspiration of using such lights as a religious symbol of Advent in the houses of the Faithful. The practice quickly spread and was soon accepted among Catholics and Protestants alike. The Advent wreath is exactly what the word implies, a wreath of evergreens, made in various sizes. It is either suspended from the ceiling or placed on a table, usually in front of the family shrine. Fastened to the wreath are four candles (3 purple, 1 pink) standing upright, at equal distances. These candles represent the four weeks of Advent and the four thousand years from Adam to Christ. Daily at certain times, (usually in the evening), the family gathers for a short exercise of prayer. Every Sunday of Advent one more candle is lit until all four candles shed their cheerful light to announce the approaching birthday of the Lord. Before the prayer starts, all other lights are extinguished in the room, and only the gentle glow of the live candles illuminates the darkness."

Of course to complete the toasty Teuton typology one heartily recommends the entertaining elixir Eierlikör (German Egg Nog) 

Ingredients: 10 egg yolks; 1/4 liter water; 300 grams sugar; 1/4 liter cognac/brandy; a vanilla bean; 50 ccm of 90% spirits (alcohol).

Directions: Let the sugar and water dissolve, then cool. Beat the egg yolks into the sugar solution until creamy. Add the vanilla bean. Gradually beat in the cognac and spirits. Pour into nice bottles (using a strainer). Serve within a week as Eierlikör does not keep long.

Then you'll be able to flawlessly flatter family with: "Wir wünschen ein gesegnetes Adventszeit und Weihnachten"!

Okay, maybe not so flawlessly.

  
Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In festo S. Andreae Apostoli

When one was a diminutive dimpled, sweetly shy, round-cheek, bright smiling, milk-chocolate-melt-your-heart-puppy-dog-eyes, little lad there was a name that already had been indelibly etched into the creative consciousness that is contained in a cute child's cranium: Andrew Carnegie. From the well stocked shelves of the local branch of the New York Public Library to the sweet strains of classical music in Carnegie Hall to the sponsorship of local PBS programming on Channel 13 the indefatigable immigrant from Scotland immanently influenced an infant imagination. Crotchety Celts and beautiful babies in the same thought can only mean that its Latha Naomh Anndra, Saint Andrew's Day.  

But we must leave realm of the Highlanders and travel to the Continent in order to cull the deeply devout devotions (or is it supremely silly superstitions?) towards the Apostle known as Prōtoklētos (First-Called) whose name in Greek means "manly". (Are we seeing a pattern here yet?) In parts of Germany, Austria, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Poland, Russia and Romania, the belief exists that the night before St. Andrew's Day is specially suitable time that reveals a young woman's future husband. Many related customs exist: for example, the pouring of hot lead into water (in Poland, one usually pours hot wax from a candle through a key hole into cold water), divining the future husband's profession from the shape of the resulting piece. In some areas in Austria, young women would drink wine and then recite a supplication, called Andreasgebet (Saint Andrew's prayer).  Yet another custom was to throw a clog over one's shoulder: if it lands pointing to the door, the woman will get married in the same year. In some parts of the Czech Republic and Slovakia, young women would write down the names of potential husbands  on little pieces of paper and stick these into little pieces of dough, called Halusky. When cooked, the first one to float to the surface of the water would reveal the name of their future husband. In Poland, some women put pieces of paper (on which they have written potential husbands) under the pillow and first thing in the morning they take one out, which allegedly reveals their future husband. In Romania, it is customary for young women to put forty-one grains of wheat beneath their pillow before they go to sleep, and if they dream that someone is coming to steal their grains that means that they are going to get married next year. Also in some other parts of the country the young women light a candle from Easter and bring it, at midnight, to a fountain and they ask St. Andrew to let them glimpse their future husband.

Now all these inane imprecations are ersatz enough to make one a wee bit thirsty. While ye Lassies are figurin' out which kooky custom will give ye yer best shot a homing in on a holy hunny, me and th' Laddies will meander over ta Loch Lomond and celebrate Saunt Andra with a dram o' scotch.

Ouch! You're supposed to throw the shoe towards the door, not me! 

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In festo S. Catharinae Virginis et Martyris

According to myriad medieval manuscripts St. Catherine, a member of the original super powered squad known as the Fourteen Holy Helpers, was a brilliantly bright young woman of birth noble who went before his imperious Imperator Maximinus to quietly correct him for worshiping ersatz eternals and to unabashedly upbraid him for his pernicious persecution of Christians. Some of his incredibly inscrutable scholars and famously fine philosophers were canonically commissioned to definitively debate our holy heroine but she ended up confounding and converting many of them, so they were painfully put to death and Catherine was beaten and jailed. The Emperor's good wife, interestingly intrigued by Catherine, went to visit her with the leader of the Emperor's troops. They, too, (naturally) were converted and (of course) put to death. Then came Catherine's turn; she was condemned to die on the wheel, but when she touched it, it suddenly shattered. Exasperated Max had her beheaded. Legend says that the angels carried her body to Mt. Sinai, where a monastery under her patronage was established and flourishes to this day under the care of Orthodox monks. Over 1,100 years following her martyrdom, St. Catherine was identified as one of the Saints who appeared and counselled, along with St. Margaret and St. Michael, St. Joan of Arc.  Now for the fun stuff......On St. Catherine's Day, the twenty fifth of November, it is quaintly customary for unmarried women to pray for husbands, and to honor women who've reached 25 years of age but haven't married -- called "Catherinettes" in France. Catherinettes send postcards to each other, and friends of the Catherinettes make hats for them - traditionally using the colors yellow (faith) and green (wisdom), often outlandishly outrageous - and crown them for the day. Pilgrimage is made to St. Catherine's statue, and she is asked to intercede in finding husbands for the unmarried lest they "don St. Catherine's bonnet" and become spinsters. The Catherinettes are supposed to wear the hat all day long, and they are usually feted with a meal among friends. Because of this hat-wearing custom, French milliners have big parades to show off their wares on this day. The French say that before a girl reaches 25, she prays: "Donnez-moi, Seigneur, un mari de bon lieu! Qu'il soit doux, opulent, libéral et agréable!" (Lord, give me a well-situated husband. Let him be gentle, rich, generous, and pleasant!") After 25, she prays: "Seigneur, un qui soit supportable, ou qui, parmi le monde, au moins puisse passer!" (Lord, one who's bearable, or who can at least pass as bearable in the world!") And when she's pushing 30: "Un tel qu'il te plaira Seigneur, je m'en contente!" ("Send whatever you want, Lord; I'll take it!"). An English version goes, "St Catherine, St Catherine, O lend me thine aid. And grant that I never may die an old maid." And for pious pyromaniacs there is the Catherine Wheel which is a type of firework consisting of a powder-filled spiral tube, mounted with a pin through its center. When lit it rotates quickly, producing a dazzling display of spectacular sparks and captivating colored flame. Now, now Ladies, pretty please put those matches down..... I only relate the old legends, I don't always endorse them.... Really...... Mr. Screwtape

Angei et amici: In festo B. Mariae Virginis Divinae Providentiae Matris, Sabbato ante Dominica III Novembris

Back in the bad old days when the East Village was a dangerous place to grow up but still a neighborhood to raise a family, a little lad six years old, maybe six and a half, first had his heart stolen. She was a vivacious brunette, perhaps auburn if memory serves one correctly, with round bright eyes and an infectious smile. Her name was "Provi", short for Providencia the patroness of Puerto Rico.

The name and worship of Our Lady of the Divine Providence originated in Italy in the thirteenth century. It was a very popular devotion which later passed to Spain, where a shrine was built in Tarragona, Catalonia. When Gil Esteve Tomas, a Catalan, was named bishop of Puerto Rico, he brought with him this devotion which he had become acquainted with during his seminary years. The bishop had to place his diocese in the hands of Divine Providence, for he found the cathedral nearly in ruins and the finances of the diocese in similar condition. The bishop's trust and work bore fruit quickly; in less than five years the cathedral church had been restored, and immediately worship of the Virgin of Providence was established there. The original image, venerated by the Servants of Mary, and other Italian religious orders and saints, was a beautiful oil painting in which the Virgin is shown with the Divine Child sleeping peacefully in her arms. The title "Of Divine Providence" has been attributed to St. Philip Benicio, fifth superior of the Servants of Mary. On a day when his friars had nothing to eat, having invoked the help of the Virgin, he found, at the door of the convent, two baskets full of food whose origin could not be found. The image that Don Gil Esteve ordered was carved in Barcelona according to the prevailing taste. It is a handsome seated figure, made to be dressed, and it was in the cathedral sixty-seven years, until 1920 when it was replaced by a magnificent all wood carving, which is the image of Our Lady of Divine Providence most familiar and best known to the Puerto Rican communities. Mary leans over the Child, who in an attitude of complete trust sleeps peacefully on her lap. The Virgin's hands are folded in prayer while she gently supports her Son's left hand. The whole carving suggests tenderness, abandonment, devotion and peace. Pope Paul VI, by a decree signed on November 19, 1969, declared Our Lady Mother of Divine Providence principal patroness of the island of Puerto Rico. In this document it was also decreed that the Virgin's solemnity be transferred from January 2 to November 19, the day that the island was discovered. The intention was to join together the two great loves of the Puerto Ricans: love of their gorgeous island and love for the Mother of God.

With humble and happy heart one sincerely shares a pious project to promote "La Providencia": On Saturday, November 17th The Society of Saint Hugh of Cluny invites you to the First Annual Hispanic Heritage Pilgrimage In Honor Of Our Lady of Divine Providence Patroness of Puerto Rico. Solemn Mass in the Extraordinary Form at 10 AM at The Church of Saint Catherine of Genoa Between Amsterdam & Broadway 506 West 153rd Street New York, NY 10031 Followed by a visit to The Hispanic Society of America located on Audubon Terrace, Broadway between 155 and 156 Streets.

To get back to the top of this e-pistle.......a Catholic gentleman would never kiss and tell!

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In festo S. Raphaelis Archangeli

A long time ago, in an eparchy far, far away (well, across the East River anyway) one noticed an insignificant incident. After Dominical Divine Liturgy it was customary to have coffee and cake in the parish hall. It was time for cleanup and one of the curates began custodial duties. Then it happened! Not exactly sure what happened but something happened. One was to far away to hear distinctly but the image was indelibly etched. Apparently he was doing something wrong (could have been not separating recyclables) and the little old ladies of the parish were all over him proffering correction. 

So a tantalizingly true theophany came a-tinkling: "When a man enters the priesthood he doesn't give up the opportunity to have a wife....he gets the whole holy hen coop!"

Three, two, one.....

Now that I've safely ducked a few flying frying pans let me get to the point of this e-pistle. Often this little altar boy is sought out as a thesaurus theological trivia. Not a few delightfully dashing distaff and devout damsels some moons back piously petitioned this annoyingly alliterative acolyte to reveal who among the blessed in the celestial court would be the most potent intercessor before the terrible throne of the Trinity in the weighty matter of the sacred selection of a spouse. So that got me a-thinking and a-praying.

Thus the religious result was Mister Screwtape's Official Holy Hunny Discernment Novena! (*Imprimatur pending)

Therefore if anyone, whether devoutly discerning or pious proxy, desires to pray the miracle-working Novena (there are at least three marriages that can be credited to it, but that's a story for another day) just drop an e-mail to: mr.screwtape1011@yahoo.com 

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In festo S. Teresiae Virginis

Rather than basically bore you with an extended exposition of the Glory of Spain's mystical thought on the ascent of the soul in four stages, namely first, "mental prayer", second the "prayer of quiet", third the "devotion of union" and finally and fourthly the "devotion of ecstasy or rapture", I thought it best to piously present a votive vignette which impeccably illustrates the heights and depths of her tantalizing theology. One day in a silent stairway of a cloistered convent in Ávila the Reverend Mother encountered a bright beautiful little Boy devoutly descending the stone steps Who asked her name. She answered astutely: "Yo soy Teresa de Jesús." Without missing a sacred Heartbeat, He replied: "And I Am ... Jesús de Teresa!"   (pronounce it "Hey-SOOS [pause] de TE-re-sssa" for optimal effect)  Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: Domina Nostra Beatae Mariae Virginis sub titulo a Pilaris

Whether you religiously, respectfully and rightfully call it Columbus Day, Día de la Raza, Discovery Day, Día de la Hispanidad, or Día de las Américas, or are mired in Marxist misanthropic misappellation such as Día del Respeto a la Diversidad Cultural,  Día de la Resistencia Indígena, Día de las Culturas, or International Day of Solidarity with Indigenous People it was first and forever will be the day dedicated to the patron saint of the Spanish Civil Guard and of all Hispanic peoples throughout the globe: Our Lady of the Pillar.

From a particularly pious source comes the true tale of Fourteen Ninety Two when Columbus sailed the Ocean Blue. "Knowing that a plenary indulgence would be gained by all who received Holy Communion on the Feast of Our Lady of the Angels, August second, the courageous explorer-missioner chose that date for his departure. Every one of the crew approached the Communion rail that morning and, after invoking the protection of the Queen of Heaven, they set out for a historic destiny. The men suffered considerably from the grueling experience of being many weeks at sea in the turbulence of unknown waters. Fear and uncertainty began to take hold of them. Two months passed and still there was no land to be seen. The crew grew all the more restless and insisted that their captain return back. Still confident, however, Columbus countered their fears with a proposition: If no land were sighted by the Feast of Our Lady of the Pillar, October twelfth, he would reverse their course. This was a persuasive appeal even to these much frightened Iberian sailors, because the Feast commemorated the day on which the Blessed Virgin appeared to Saint James the Greater, Apostle of Spain, and reassured him that, in spite of his apparent failure in that country, his work eventually would bring forth tremendous fruits for the Church. The men agreed to this offer, and as a reward for their faith, land was sighted — on the very day of the great Feast."

Not to mention that it is also the day that marks the end of the Spanish bullfighting season. ¡Olé!'

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In Dedicatione S. Michaelis Archangelis, kalendaris antiqua reformata

Botryotinia, thus spake Wikipedia, is a genus of ascomycete fungi causing several plant diseases. The anamorphs of Botryotinia are mostly included in the imperfect fungi genus Botrytis. The genus contains 22 species and one hybrid. Plant diseases caused by Botryotinia species appear primarily as blossom blights and fruit rots but also as leaf spots and bulb rots in the field and in stored products. The fungi induce host cell death resulting in progressive decay of infected plant tissue, whence they take nutrients. Sexual reproduction takes place with ascospores produced in apothecia while conidia are the means of asexual reproduction. Sclerotia of plano-convexoid shape are typical. Some species also cause damping off, killing seeds or seedlings during or before germination. Botrytis cinerea is an important species for wine industry as well as horticulture. Other economically important species include Botryotinia convoluta (the type species of the genus), Botryotinia polyblastis, Botrytis allii and Botrytis fabae.
After the United Kingdom finally caught up to the rest of Christendom by adopting the Gregorian calendar reform in AD 1752, some activities traditionally associated with Michaelmas Day (29 September) moved forward a fortnight to 11 October. Old Michaelmas Day, then, was said to be the last day that blackberries should be picked as fabulous folklore in Merrie Olde England relates and regales that it was on this day that the despicable Devil was kindly kicked out of holy Heaven. On his way down in his dastardly descent, the irascible Old Nick is said to have landed on a blackberry bush, subsequently cursing the prickly berries, scorching them with his fiery breath, stamping and spitting upon them. In other legends perhaps best recounted by the ever so gracious groundlings, he urinates on them. In any event, the old saying rings true as blackberries are way past their best by October. There is quaint kernel of veracity behind this loving legend as wetter and cooler weather often allows blackberries to become infected by various molds which give the fruit an unpleasant look and may be toxic, such as the above mentioned Botryotinia.

At least that is one less threat to the shares of Research In Motion.

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In festis S. Birgittae Viduae

Many people are quite familiar with the diminutive devotional paperback prayer pamphlet with the pious picture of Michelangelo's Pieta which leads off with the (sometimes simultaneously) inspirational and infamous Magnificent Fifteen Prayers of Saint Bridget of Sweden. Of course any contentious controversy can be quietly and quickly definitively dispelled by flipping open a convenient copy of the Acta Apostolicae Sedis and looking up the following Monitum from the Congregation of the Holy Office: In aliquibus locis divulgatum est opusculum quoddam, cui titulus "SECRETUM FELICITATIS - Quindecim orationes a Domino S. Birgittae in ecclesia S. Pauli, Romae, revelatae", Niceae ad Varum (et alibi), variis linguis editum. Cum vero in eodem libello asseratur S. Birgittae quasdam promissiones a Deo fuisse factas, de quarum origine supernaturali nullo modo constat, caveant Ordinarii locorum ne licentiam concedant edendi vel denuo impremendi opuscula vel scripta quae praedictas promissiones continent. Datum Romae, ex Aedibus S. Officii, die 28 Ianuarii 1954.

In some places, a certain little work has been disseminated called the "Secret of Happiness: 15 Prayers Revealed by the Lord to St. Bridget in the Church of St. Paul at Rome", published at Nice and various other places in several languages. Since it is asserted in this pamphlet that God made to St. Bridget certain promises, whose supernatural origin in no way stands up, let local ordinaries take care not to grant permission for publishing or reprinting pamphlets or other writings which contain these aforementioned promises. Given at Rome, from the offices of the Holy Office, 28 , January 1954. 

All this rabid research sure gives one a holy hankering for some satisfying snacking.

The Order of the Most Holy Savior founded in the year 1370 by St. Birgitta of Sweden, which keeps (along with the Extraordinary Form) the eighth of October as the feast of the Mother Foundress on the anniversary of her 1391 canonization by Pope Boniface IX, follows a style of life that is monastic, according to the Rule of St. Augustine, and given to prayer, contemplation and withdrawal from the mainstream of the activities of society. The life of a Brigittine Monk has its strength in the spirit of the intimate union with Christ through the daily prayers which the community offers for itself and for all mankind, especially for the unity of all Christians. Following an ancient Brigittine tradition, the community also carries on a continual crusade of prayer for the souls in purgatory and the conversion of sinners. The Community attempts to be self supporting by work done at the monastery and not engaging in types of work that may not be done within the enclosure. 

In the Monastery located in the lush Willamette Valley in Oregon, the monks quietly go about producing some of the most delicious candy in the world. They blend the finest quality ingredients including real chocolate, fresh dairy butter, real cream, the freshest nuts, and real flavors. Their Gourmet Confections have received hundreds of accolades from candy experts and customers alike. Numerous journalistic outlets, including the ABC Nightly News, CNN, Town and Country Magazine, Bon Appetit, People magazine, US News and World Report, Chocolatier, and The New York Times have featured their candy.

So remember to save me a Chocolate Amaretto Royale Truffle when you order from: The Brigittine Monks - Priory of Our Lady of Consolation 23300 Walker Lane Amity, Oregon 97101  (fudge@brigittine.org).

And here you thought I was going to expostulate on Swedish meatballs! 

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: Salvete!

Nota Bene: One, after many moons of persistent pleading petitions, has finally deigned to "blog". Therefore, as an informal initiation, one reproduces an introductory "e-pistle" from a few years ago. 

Salutations, felicitations and welcome to another annoyingly alliterative silly semester of Screwtape’s Select Seminary for the Sanctification of Souls. This humble little e-postolate originated as little zany zingers for a small group of pretty pious daily communicants so-called and styled as “Angels”; soon it expanded to others who were neither particularly prayerful nor pulchritudinous such as presbyters. As an aside, one has been told that these e-pistles have even been enjoyed by eminent ecclesiastical eyes in the Eternal City . Described delightfully (or is it, denounced decidedly) by some as “Saturday Night Live from the Vatican”, this little altar boy simply labors to share the treasures and beauties of the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church outside of which there is no salvation, which was founded by Our Blessed Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, the Eternally Begotten Second Person of the Blessed Trinity Incarnate for our Redemption and shepherded by the Vicar of Christ, our Holy Father, the Pope, with the treasures and beauties (that is, guys and gals) who are members of that same Mystical Body of Christ, the Church.

So therefore, in our own souls, of those close to us either by duty or devotion, of those Divine Providence so disposes to disclose, let the Kingdom of God daily be built and even rebuilt. “Quaerite autem primum regnum et iustitiam eius et omnia haec adicientur vobis. Nolite ergo esse solliciti in crastinum crastinus enim dies sollicitus erit sibi ipse sufficit diei malitia sua” “Seek ye therefore first the kingdom of God , and his justice, and all these things shall be added unto you. Be not therefore solicitous for tomorrow; for the morrow will be solicitous for itself. Sufficient for the day is the evil thereof.” 

Or, as someone once said, “Carpe Diem!”

Mr. Screwtape