Angeli et amici: In festo S. Laurentii Martyris

Originally from the city of Huesca in Spain, where, thanks to his inspired intervention, the sacred chalice used by Our Lord at the Last Supper reposes, Lawrence was an archdeacon of the Roman Church charged with the responsibility of managing the material goods of the pious patrimony of Saint Peter, and the devoted distribution of alms to the poor of the City. During the persecution of the Emperor Valerian, as the holy bishop of Milan, Ambrose, relates that when a pushy Prefect asked for the “treasures of the Church” the intrepid Iberian brought forward the poor and divinely declaimed: "Behold in these poor persons the treasures which I promised to show you; to which I will add pearls and precious stones, those widows and consecrated virgins, which are the church’s crown." The furious functionary was not amused, to say the least, arrested the cloy cleric and had a great gridiron prepared, with pounds of fiery coals beneath it. Lawrence’s body was then petulantly placed on the ignited instrument. After some undetermined but objectively painful time elapsed, the lovely legend concludes, he made his famously cheery quip, “It is well done on the one side. Turn me over!”

 

From a July 2013 NASA press release: "We have found that one meteor shower produces more fireballs than any other," explains Bill Cooke of NASA's Meteoroid Environment Office. "It's the Perseid meteor shower, which peaks on August 12th and 13th." Using a network of meteor cameras distributed across the southern USA, Cooke's team has been tracking fireball activity since 2008, and they have built up a database of hundreds of events to analyze. The data point to the Perseids as the 'fireball champion' of annual meteor showers. A fireball is a very bright meteor, at least as bright as the planets Jupiter or Venus. They can be seen on any given night as random meteoroids strike Earth's upper atmosphere. One fireball every few hours is not unusual. Fireballs become more numerous, however, when Earth is passing through the debris stream of a comet. That’s what will happen this August. The Perseid meteor shower comes from Comet Swift-Tuttle. Every year in early- to mid-August, Earth passes through a cloud of dust sputtered off the comet as it approaches the sun. Perseid meteoroids hitting our atmosphere at 132,000 mph produce an annual light show that is a favorite of many backyard sky watchers. Cooke thinks the Perseids are rich in fireballs because of the size of the parent comet. "Comet Swift-Tuttle has a huge nucleus--about 26 km in diameter," comments Cooke. "Most other comets are much smaller, with nuclei only a few kilometers across. As a result, Comet Swift-Tuttle produces a large number of meteoroids, many of which are large enough to produce fireballs." Cooke recommends looking on the nights of August 12th and 13th between the hours of 10:30 PM to 4:30 AM local time. Before midnight the meteor rate will start out low, then increase as the night wears on, peaking before sunrise when the constellation Perseus is high in the sky. For every fireball that streaks out of Perseus, there will be dozens more ordinary meteors. "Get away from city lights," advises Cooke. "While fireballs can be seen from urban areas, the much greater number of faint Perseids is visible only from the countryside."

 

Since the Perseid meteor shower, which has been observed for two millennia, occurs around the feast the magnificent Martyr they have been nicknamed “The Tears of Saint Lawrence”.

 

Therefore this sounds like the optimal opportunity for a Catholic camping excursion. And don’t forget to bring the barbecue!

 

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In Vigilia Nativitate S. Joannis Baptistae

The liturgical feast occurring on the ancient astronomical summer solstice is a wonderful meditation on the virtue of humility. The traditional Roman Ritual provides for a Blessing of a Bonfire on the Vigil of the Nativity of the Precursor (but incomprehensibly omits rubrics concerning jumping over said bonfire). From a commentary on the Ritual by the incomparable Father Weller: "The blessing of a bonfire may seem somewhat extraordinary. Nevertheless, the ceremony is one of the most ancient blessings, just as the cult of the Baptist is very ancient in Catholic hagiolatry. For centuries people of Christian countries have kept a solemn vigil for the festival of John the Baptist's birth. In the darkness of the night preceding the feast, a bonfire would flare up before the church edifice, in the market-place, on hill,or in valley. John gave testimony of the true light which shineth in the darkness. He was the light-bearer before Christ, although he proclaimed in utter humility and self-abnegation: "he must increase, but I must decrease" (John 3:30). But the Master also spoke in highest praise of His Precursor: "I say to you, among those born of women there is not a greater prophet than John the Baptist" (Luke 7:28). Attuned to the mind of the Master, early Christians quickly cultivated with enthusiasm a special veneration of this saint — their enthusiasm and love enkindling within them a justifiable conviviality at the approach of his day. The custom of the St. John bonfires, indicative of a people with burning and childlike faith, continues in some places to this day." So simply skipping over its jolly genesis as a pagan party inebriatingly inaugurating the aestival season let us review the beautiful benediction:

P: Our help is in the name of the Lord. R: Who made heaven and earth.

P: The Lord be with you. R: And with your spirit.

Let us pray. Lord God, almighty Father, the light that never fails and the source of all light, sanctify + this new fire, and grant that after the darkness of this life we may come unsullied to you who are light eternal; through Christ our Lord. R: Amen.

The fire is sprinkled with holy water; after which the clergy and the people sing the following hymn:

1. Ut queant laxis resonáre fibris Mira gestórum fámuli tuórum, Solve pollúti lábii reátum, Sancte Joánnes. 2. Núntius celso véniens Olýmpo Te patri magnum fore nascitúrum, Nomen, et vitae sériem geréndae Ordinae promit. 3. Ille promíssi dúbius supérni, Pérdidit promptae módulos loquélae: Sed reformásti genitus perémptae Organa vocis. 4. Ventris obstrúso récubans cubíli Sénseras Regem thálamo manéntem: Hinc parens nati méritis utérque Abdita pandit. 5. Sit decus Patri, genitaéque Proli et tibi, compare utriúsque virtus, Spíritus semper, Deus unus, omni Témporis aevo. Amen.

1. O for your spirit, holy John, to chasten Lips sin-polluted, fettered tongues to loosen; So by your children might your deeds of wonder Meetly be chanted. 2. Lo! a swift herald, from the skies descending, Bears to your father promise of your greatness; How he shall name you, what your future story, Duly revealing. 3. Scarcely believing message so transcendent, Him for a season power of speech forsaketh, Till, at your wondrous birth, again returneth, Voice to the voiceless. 4. You, in your mother's womb all darkly cradled, Knew your great Monarch, biding in His chamber, Whence the two parents, through their offspring's merits, Mysteries uttered. 5. Praise to the Father, to the Son begotten, And to the Spirit, equal power possessing, One God whose glory, through the lapse of ages, Ever resounding. Amen.

P: There was a man sent from God. R: Whose name was John.

Let us pray. God, who by reason of the birth of blessed John have made this day praiseworthy, give your people the grace of spiritual joy, and keep the hearts of your faithful fixed on the way that leads to everlasting salvation; through Christ our Lord. R: Amen.

When one attempted to fulfill the fun folklore the sardonic summary would be a clever alliteration of the colloquial form of my baptismal name and the colloquial form of a soft section of one's anatomy, that is "Manny fried his fanny."

I told you the feast taught humility especially when one becomes the butt of one's own jokes!

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In Ascensione Domini

The Society of Saint Hugh of Cluny, once upon a fictional time, in order to raise funds for their worthy apostolic endeavors raffled off a brand new Lexus. Stu and Jill really wanted to win so they decided to ask some revered priests to pray a novena. The Benedictine monk said: "Ut In Omnibus Glorificetur Dei! Yes, my children, I will gladly pray a novena. But please tell me what is a Lexus?". The Franciscan friar said: "Pax et bonum! Sure I'll pray a novena but what's this Lexus thing?" The Jesuit priest said: "Wow! Lexus. What a great car! But what's a novena?"

The primordial, prototypical and primary Novena in the Catholic Church is the one begun on the Friday after Ascension Thursday addressed to the Third Person of the Blessed Trinity preparatory for the great feast of Pentecost which throughout the centuries has been richly indulgenced by the Sovereign Pontiffs and is recounted in the first chapter of the Acts of the Apostles.  A favored formulary that may be fortuitously followed follows: 

First Day: Almighty and eternal God, Who hast vouchsafed to regenerate us by water and the Holy Ghost, and hast given us forgiveness of all our sins, vouchsafe to send forth from heaven upon us Thy sevenfold Spirit, the Spirit of Wisdom and Understanding, the Spirit of Counsel and Fortitude, the Spirit of Knowledge and Piety, and fill us with the Spirit of Holy Fear. Amen. Recite one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and seven Glory Be's

Second Day: Come, O blessed Spirit of Holy Fear, penetrate my inmost heart, that I may set Thee, my Lord and God, before my face forever; help me to shun all things that can offend Thee, and make me worthy to appear before the pure eyes of Thy Divine Majesty in heaven, where Thou livest and reignest in the unity of the ever Blessed Trinity, God world without end. Amen. Recite one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and seven Glory Be's

Third Day: Come, O Blessed Spirit of Piety, possess my heart. Enkindle therein such a love for God, that I may find satisfaction only in His service, and for His sake lovingly submit to all legitimate authority. Amen. Recite one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and seven Glory Be's

Fourth Day: Come, O Blessed Spirit of Fortitude, uphold my soul in times of trouble and adversity, sustain my efforts after holiness, strengthen my weakness, give me courage against all the assaults of my enemies, that I may never be overcome and separated from Thee, my God and greatest Good. Amen. Recite one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and seven Glory Be's

Fifth Day: Come, O Blessed Spirit of Knowledge, and grant that I may perceive the will of the Father; show me the nothingness of earthly things, that I may realize their vanity and use them only for Thy glory and my own salvation, looking ever beyond them to Thee, and Thy eternal rewards. Amen. Recite one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and seven Glory Be's

Sixth Day: Come, O Spirit of Understanding, and enlighten our minds, that we may know and believe all the mysteries of salvation; and may merit at last to see the eternal light in Thy light; and in the light of glory to have a clear vision of Thee and the Father and the Son. Amen. Recite one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and seven Glory Be's

Seventh Day: Come, O Spirit of Counsel, help and guide me in all my ways, that I may always do Thy holy will. Incline my heart to that which is good; turn it away from all that is evil, and direct me by the straight path of Thy commandments to that goal of eternal life for which I long. Amen. Recite one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and seven Glory Be's

Eighth Day: Come, O Spirit of Wisdom, and reveal to my soul the mysteries of heavenly things, their exceeding greatness, power and beauty. Teach me to love them above and beyond all passing joys and satisfactions of the earth. Help me to attain them and possess them for ever. Amen. Recite one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and seven Glory Be's

Ninth Day: Come, O Divine Spirit, fill my heart with Thy heavenly fruits, Thy charity, joy, peace, patience, benignity, goodness, faith, mildness, and temperance, that I may never weary in the service of God, but by continued faithful submission to Thy inspiration, may merit to be united eternally with Thee in the love of the Father and the Son. Amen. Recite one Our Father, one Hail Mary, and seven Glory Be's

In the Cenacle the Apostolic College, singularly and sacredly selected by the Second Person of the Blessed Trinity, was marvelously maternally ministered to by the Mother of God who thereby earned the sublime dignity Queen of the Apostles, which is liturgically celebrated on the Saturday within the Octave of the Ascension. A range of Religious ranks  practice devotion to Our Blessed Lady under the title Regina Apostolorum, including the Pallotines, the Marianists, and particularly the branches of the Pauline Family founded by Blessed James Alberione viz., the religious congregations of the Society of St. Paul, the Daughters of St. Paul, the Pious Disciples of the Divine Master, the Sisters of Jesus Good Shepherd, and the Sisters of Mary Queen of Apostles; the secular institutes of Jesus Priest, Saint Gabriel Archangel, Our Lady's Annunciation, and Holy Family; and last but not least the Union of Pauline Cooperators. An altogether appropriate appeal authored by Alberione appears appended:  "Hail, Mary, our Mother, Teacher and Queen. In your goodness, listen to the petition which we present to you according to the will of Jesus: "Pray, therefore, the Lord of the harvest to send forth laborers into his harvest." Turn your merciful eyes upon the five billion people living on this earth. Many of them are wandering in darkness without a father, a shepherd, a teacher. God made you an apostle to give Jesus, Way and Truth and Life, to the world. By having recourse to you, they will find the road that leads to Jesus. Through you may all Catholics work with all their strength for all vocations, for all apostolates! Through you, may all the faithful work for all unbelievers, all the fervent for all the indifferent, all the Catholics for all non-Catholics. Through you, may all those called correspond, may all apostles be holy, may they be welcomed by all men and women. At the foot of the cross, your heart expanded to welcome us all as your children. Obtain for us an apostolic heart, modeled after your heart, the hearts of Jesus and St. Paul, so that one day you may have us all, apostles and faithful, around you in heaven. Bless your spiritual son and daughters, Mary, Teacher and Queen."

Preparing this package of potent imprecations reminds one that it is customary for the Faithful on Ascension Thursday, in commemoration of the summit of the Mount of Olives from which the Only Begotten forty days after His Resurrection returned to the First Person of the Blessed Trinity, to climb a hilltop for a picnic and enjoy some scrumptious sort of fine feathered friend at the holy day repast for upon this day unto Heaven Christ "flew"!  

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In Tempus Rogationibus

In a lamentably lost hallowed halcyon age before the scurrilous scourge of invading immigrants known as yuppies, the noble neighborhoods of the fabulous Five Boroughs were, ofttimes intrepidly indeed in spite of the infernal interfering inconveniences of the Master Builder,  divinely defined by the blessed boundaries of its parish church.

The Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday preceding Ascension Thursday form a special triduum known as the Rogation Days wherein the Faithful are commanded to fast and the Litany of the Saints is chanted "to ask God's mercy, appease His anger, avert His chastisements manifest through natural disasters, and ask for His blessings, particularly with regard to farming, gardening, and other agricultural pursuits."

The marvelously merry medieval English had a quaint custom on these days known as beating the bounds.  "In former times when maps were rare it was usual to make a formal perambulation of the parish boundaries during Rogation Week. Knowledge of the limits of each parish needed to be handed down so that such matters as liability to contribute to the repair of the church building, and the right to be buried within the churchyard were not disputed. The priest of the parish with the churchwardens and the parochial officials headed a crowd of boys who, armed with green boughs, usually birch or willow, beat the parish boundary markers with them. Sometimes the boys were themselves whipped or even violently bumped on the boundary-stones to make them remember. The object of taking boys along is supposed to ensure that witnesses to the boundaries should survive as long as possible since sometimes boundary markers would be moved, or lines obscured, therefore a folk memory of the true extent of the parish was necessary to maintain integrity of borders by embedding [seems like sometimes, literally!-Editor] knowledge in oral traditions.  Village and parish were coterminous." 

Upon the conclusion of the the pious perambulation the return to the placid precincts of the parsonry would feature the obligating opportunity for the church wardens to raise revenue by hospitably hosting the mirthful merriment known as the parish-ale!

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In festo Inventione Sanctae Crucis

Manhattan in the 1970s was quite a dreary place to live as evidenced by the intriguingly iconic  yet amply anomalous subway map designed by Massimo Vignelli with its beige waters and grey parks. While the map very purposely did not seek accuracy in geography,  in popular imagination it wasn't that far off in describing the actual state of the environmental aesthetic. Decades of benign neglect turned beauteous Beaux-Arts buildings into harried haunted hulks of an alien age. The local ragged rugrats played in an abandoned lot whose haphazard layer of black asphalt barely covered the jutting slabs of ashen concrete foundations of the old razed building. But on the rusty fire escapes the Puerto Rican mothers had a hint of home: colorful potted plants full of flowers and even fruits and vegetables.

 

The term 'Roodmas' comes, like its sainted  siblings Christmas, Candlemas, Michaelmas, et cetera, from Middle English with 'rood' or 'rod' meaning the cross, and 'mas', of course, for the Most Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. The feast, historically kept on May 3rd, commemorates the finding,  in the year of Our Lord 355, of the True Cross upon which hung the Body of our blessed Redeemer in Jerusalem by that pious princess, her imperial majesty, Saint Helena. Since in the Northern Hemisphere the Spring planting season is commenced around this time the Roman Ritual maternally provides a Blessing of Crosses to be Placed in Fields and Vineyards:

 

V. Our help is in the name of the Lord. R. Who made heaven and earth. V. The Lord be with you. R. And with your spirit.

Let us pray. Almighty, everlasting God, Father of goodness and consolation, in virtue of the bitter suffering of thy Sole-Begotten Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ, endured for us sinners on the wood of the Cross, bless these crosses which thy faithful will erect in their vineyards, fields, and gardens. Protect the land where they are placed from hail, tornado, storm, and every assault of the enemy, so that their fruits ripened to the harvest may be gathered to thy honor by those who place their hope in the holy Cross of thy Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ, Who liveth and reigneth with thee eternally. Amen.

 

And maybe that will keep away that pesky Pablo the Pigeon and his persnickety pecking!

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In Dominica IV in Quadragesima seu Lætáre

A quiet revival undertaken during the recently concluded eight year reign of Benedict XVI was that of the beautiful bestowal of the Golden Rose, which is customarily blessed by the Roman Pontiff on Laetare Sunday, the fourth Sunday in Lent. While now generally conferred on shrines, in its most recent history it was given as a token of the Pope's esteem and paternal affection to Catholic royalty, particularly the ladies viz., princesses, queens and emperesses. Which, of course, brings us naturally to Mother's Day and no, not the one started by Anna Jarvis.

 

Mothering Sunday, the affectionate appellation arriving from the United Kingdom, developed from the late Medieval English custom of apprentices and young servants being given leave and returning home to visit one's mother church, that is the one where they were baptized, on Mid-Lent Sunday. The intriguingly illuminating Introit of the Mass provides the liturgical foundations for the obliging observance: "Rejoice, O Jerusalem, and come together, all you who love her: rejoice with joy, you who have been in sorrow: that you may exult, and be filled from the breasts of your consolation. Psalm: I rejoiced because they said to me, We will go up to the house of the Lord." Obviously since they made the journey to their hometown and with maternal imagery appearing again in the epistle read at Mass the youngesters positively paid an especial visit of gracious gratitude to their mothers in the natural order. Often the employer would provide the lad or lass with some spare shillings to provide for some fresh flowers or the classic confection forever associated with this day, also known as Refreshment Sunday, simnel cake. The fruity fare is topped generally by eleven marizpan balls representing the Apostolic College (obviously minus the Iscariot), although this accidental allegorical accretion has been decried by some as a vicious Victorian versimilitude. While its origin has been tried to be connected to pardoned prentender to the throne (because he was a then ten year pliant puppet of Yorkist rebels) and royal baker Lambert Simnel this theory unravels almost as quickly the unfortunate usurpation since simnel cakes are mentioned in literature a few centuries previous. The medieval Oxford philogist John de Garlandia posits that the name most likely derives from the Latin word 'simila' meaning fine, of course refering to the white flour used in the mix and possibly to the rich ingredients found in the recipe. Another legend surrounding the precocious pastry eaten on the Sunday of the Five Loaves suggests that the name came from a sister (Nell) and brother (Simon) who wanted to make a cake for their mother. One wanted to bake the cake, the other to boil it. They decided to do both and bring them together in one which became the Simnel Cake. Decisively dumping these meandering musings let us turn to that vivaciously virile vicar of Dean Prior in Devonshire, Robert Herrick, for the last word on this essentially ecclessiastical marvelous Matronalia:

I'll to thee a Simnell bring,

'Gainst thou go'st a-mothering,

So that when she blesses thee

Half that blessing thou'lt give me.

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In festo Sancti Dávidis a Cambriae

Now mind you, I have absolutely positively nothing against Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center and its "Cycle for Survival" (whatever frivolous fundraising function that might be) but on the first of March the Empire State Building should not be lit orange/orange/orange but rather green/red/white in honor of the Welsh nation on the occasion of its patronal feast, St. David of Wales.

 

From the venerable and veracious Catholic Encyclopedia: "Bishop and Confessor, patron of Wales. He is usually represented standing on a little hill, with a dove on his shoulder. From time immemorial the Welsh have worn a leek on St. David's day, in memory of a battle against the Saxons, at which it is said they wore leeks in their hats, by St. David's advice, to distinguish them from their enemies. He is commemorated on 1 March. The earliest mention of St. David is found in a tenth-century manuscript Of the "Annales Cambriae", which assigns his death to A.D. 601. Many other writers, from Geoffrey of Monmouth down to Father Richard Stanton, hold that he died about 544, but their opinion is based solely on data given in various late "lives" of St. David, and there seems no good reason for setting aside the definite statement of the "Annales Cambriae", which is now generally accepted. Little else that can claim to be historical is known about St. David. The tradition that he was born at Henvynyw (Vetus-Menevia) in Cardiganshire is not improbable. He was prominent at the Synod of Brevi (Llandewi Brefi in Cardiganshire), which has been identified with the important Roman military station, Loventium. Shortly afterwards, in 569, he presided over another synod held at a place called Lucus Victoriae. He was Bishop (probably not Archbishop) of Menevia, the Roman port Menapia in Pembrokeshire, later known as St. David's, then the chief point of departure for Ireland. St. David was canonized by Pope Callistus II in the year 1120. This is all that is known to history about the patron of Wales. His legend, however, is much more elaborate, and entirely unreliable."

 

So simply skipping over the pious premise that he was an uncle to King Arthur and other inventive inaccuracies meant to support the claims of the Welsh episcopate's independence from the see of St. Augustine at Canterbury let us turn quickly to a couple of cute and quaint customs (mainly culinary) wherein devotedly and domestically this feast may be solemnized.  Firstly we have the delightfully dainty daffodil, Amaryllidoideae Narcissus, the Welsh national flower, which is worn on this day. Not only is particularly prettier (confer its scientific name above) it will not be maliciously malodorous in complete contradistinction to other the national emblem, which appeared on the coronation gown of Queen Elizabeth II, the Amaryllidaceae Allioideae, the lavishly lovely leek. Whichever variety of vegetation is victorious in completing one's holy haberdashery an entertaining extension of this delicious devotion would be to grow the particular plant at least in pot on the windowsill. Those with a modest modicum of artistic ability may daringly draw and decorate said conventional containers cleverly with vicarious visuals such as the Flag of Wales and the Flag of Saint David. Then there are totally tasty treats, the recipes which are available on wales.com, such as Cawl, a traditional Welsh soup; Bara Brith, a rich fruit loaf made with tea (sometimes known as 'speckled bread'); Glamorgan Sausages; Welsh Rarebit;and the scone-like Welsh Cakes.

 

Of course one can simply refresh the palate with a potent pint of Welsh Ale that might be making the rounds for the national day. After dropping off a big box of leeks at 350 Fifth Avenue.

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In Commemoratio S. Barbarae Virginis et Martyris

In the late 1960s many little girls playfully imagined that they were the purple suited, fiery wig wearing acrobatic adventurer Batgirl! Of course the tiny titans were also interestingly intrigued by her civilian identity as Police Commissioner Gordon's daughter who held the imposingly important job of Head Librarian of the Gotham City Library and whose name was Barbara.

Okay, I know that's not the most serious segue but what do you expect from this Joker? 

Switching Sixties screen symbolizations let us quoth from Around the Year with the Trapp Family by Maria Augusta Trapp regarding the Barbarazweig or Barbara Branch:  "On the fourth of December, unmarried members of the household are supposed to go out into the orchard and cut twigs from the cherry trees and put them into water. There is an old belief that whoever's cherry twig blossoms on Christmas Day can expect to get married in the following year. As most of us are always on tour at this time of the year, someone at home will be commissioned to "cut the cherry twigs." These will be put in a vase in a dark corner, each one with a name tag, and on Christmas Day they will be eagerly examined; and even if they are good for nothing else, they provide a nice table decoration for the Christmas dinner."

One of the medieval super-team known as the Fourteen Holy Helpers, St. Barbara is the patroness of artillerymen, military engineers, miners and others who work with explosives, fireworks manufacturers, firemen, stone masons and also of mathematicians; she is also invoked against sudden death, against fires, and against storms (especially lightning storms).  Her feast is celebrated by the British (Royal Artillery, RAF Armourers), Australian (Royal Regiment of Australian Artillery, RAAF Armourers), Canadian (Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technicians (EOD), Canadian Air Force Armourers, Royal Canadian Artillery, Canadian Military Field Engineers, Royal Canadian Navy Weapons Engineering Technicians), New Zealand (RNZAF Armourers, RNZA, RNZN Gunners Branch) armed forces. Additionally, it's celebrated by Irish Defence Forces Artillery Regiments, Norwegian Armed Forces Artillery Battalion, United States Army and Marine Corps Field and Air Defense Artillery, many Marine Corps Explosive Ordnance Disposal Technicians, and other Artillery formations. In art she is usually depicted as standing by a tower with three windows, carrying a palm branch and a chalice, sometimes with cannons by her side.   Biff! Bam! Kapow! Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In festo S. Andreae Apostoli

When one was a diminutive dimpled, sweetly shy, round-cheek, bright smiling, milk-chocolate-melt-your-heart-puppy-dog-eyes, little lad there was a name that already had been indelibly etched into the creative consciousness that is contained in a cute child's cranium: Andrew Carnegie. From the well stocked shelves of the local branch of the New York Public Library to the sweet strains of classical music in Carnegie Hall to the sponsorship of local PBS programming on Channel 13 the indefatigable immigrant from Scotland immanently influenced an infant imagination. Crotchety Celts and beautiful babies in the same thought can only mean that its Latha Naomh Anndra, Saint Andrew's Day.  

But we must leave realm of the Highlanders and travel to the Continent in order to cull the deeply devout devotions (or is it supremely silly superstitions?) towards the Apostle known as Prōtoklētos (First-Called) whose name in Greek means "manly". (Are we seeing a pattern here yet?) In parts of Germany, Austria, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Poland, Russia and Romania, the belief exists that the night before St. Andrew's Day is specially suitable time that reveals a young woman's future husband. Many related customs exist: for example, the pouring of hot lead into water (in Poland, one usually pours hot wax from a candle through a key hole into cold water), divining the future husband's profession from the shape of the resulting piece. In some areas in Austria, young women would drink wine and then recite a supplication, called Andreasgebet (Saint Andrew's prayer).  Yet another custom was to throw a clog over one's shoulder: if it lands pointing to the door, the woman will get married in the same year. In some parts of the Czech Republic and Slovakia, young women would write down the names of potential husbands  on little pieces of paper and stick these into little pieces of dough, called Halusky. When cooked, the first one to float to the surface of the water would reveal the name of their future husband. In Poland, some women put pieces of paper (on which they have written potential husbands) under the pillow and first thing in the morning they take one out, which allegedly reveals their future husband. In Romania, it is customary for young women to put forty-one grains of wheat beneath their pillow before they go to sleep, and if they dream that someone is coming to steal their grains that means that they are going to get married next year. Also in some other parts of the country the young women light a candle from Easter and bring it, at midnight, to a fountain and they ask St. Andrew to let them glimpse their future husband.

Now all these inane imprecations are ersatz enough to make one a wee bit thirsty. While ye Lassies are figurin' out which kooky custom will give ye yer best shot a homing in on a holy hunny, me and th' Laddies will meander over ta Loch Lomond and celebrate Saunt Andra with a dram o' scotch.

Ouch! You're supposed to throw the shoe towards the door, not me! 

Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In festo S. Catharinae Virginis et Martyris

According to myriad medieval manuscripts St. Catherine, a member of the original super powered squad known as the Fourteen Holy Helpers, was a brilliantly bright young woman of birth noble who went before his imperious Imperator Maximinus to quietly correct him for worshiping ersatz eternals and to unabashedly upbraid him for his pernicious persecution of Christians. Some of his incredibly inscrutable scholars and famously fine philosophers were canonically commissioned to definitively debate our holy heroine but she ended up confounding and converting many of them, so they were painfully put to death and Catherine was beaten and jailed. The Emperor's good wife, interestingly intrigued by Catherine, went to visit her with the leader of the Emperor's troops. They, too, (naturally) were converted and (of course) put to death. Then came Catherine's turn; she was condemned to die on the wheel, but when she touched it, it suddenly shattered. Exasperated Max had her beheaded. Legend says that the angels carried her body to Mt. Sinai, where a monastery under her patronage was established and flourishes to this day under the care of Orthodox monks. Over 1,100 years following her martyrdom, St. Catherine was identified as one of the Saints who appeared and counselled, along with St. Margaret and St. Michael, St. Joan of Arc.  Now for the fun stuff......On St. Catherine's Day, the twenty fifth of November, it is quaintly customary for unmarried women to pray for husbands, and to honor women who've reached 25 years of age but haven't married -- called "Catherinettes" in France. Catherinettes send postcards to each other, and friends of the Catherinettes make hats for them - traditionally using the colors yellow (faith) and green (wisdom), often outlandishly outrageous - and crown them for the day. Pilgrimage is made to St. Catherine's statue, and she is asked to intercede in finding husbands for the unmarried lest they "don St. Catherine's bonnet" and become spinsters. The Catherinettes are supposed to wear the hat all day long, and they are usually feted with a meal among friends. Because of this hat-wearing custom, French milliners have big parades to show off their wares on this day. The French say that before a girl reaches 25, she prays: "Donnez-moi, Seigneur, un mari de bon lieu! Qu'il soit doux, opulent, libéral et agréable!" (Lord, give me a well-situated husband. Let him be gentle, rich, generous, and pleasant!") After 25, she prays: "Seigneur, un qui soit supportable, ou qui, parmi le monde, au moins puisse passer!" (Lord, one who's bearable, or who can at least pass as bearable in the world!") And when she's pushing 30: "Un tel qu'il te plaira Seigneur, je m'en contente!" ("Send whatever you want, Lord; I'll take it!"). An English version goes, "St Catherine, St Catherine, O lend me thine aid. And grant that I never may die an old maid." And for pious pyromaniacs there is the Catherine Wheel which is a type of firework consisting of a powder-filled spiral tube, mounted with a pin through its center. When lit it rotates quickly, producing a dazzling display of spectacular sparks and captivating colored flame. Now, now Ladies, pretty please put those matches down..... I only relate the old legends, I don't always endorse them.... Really...... Mr. Screwtape

Angeli et amici: In Dedicatione S. Michaelis Archangelis, kalendaris antiqua reformata

Botryotinia, thus spake Wikipedia, is a genus of ascomycete fungi causing several plant diseases. The anamorphs of Botryotinia are mostly included in the imperfect fungi genus Botrytis. The genus contains 22 species and one hybrid. Plant diseases caused by Botryotinia species appear primarily as blossom blights and fruit rots but also as leaf spots and bulb rots in the field and in stored products. The fungi induce host cell death resulting in progressive decay of infected plant tissue, whence they take nutrients. Sexual reproduction takes place with ascospores produced in apothecia while conidia are the means of asexual reproduction. Sclerotia of plano-convexoid shape are typical. Some species also cause damping off, killing seeds or seedlings during or before germination. Botrytis cinerea is an important species for wine industry as well as horticulture. Other economically important species include Botryotinia convoluta (the type species of the genus), Botryotinia polyblastis, Botrytis allii and Botrytis fabae.
After the United Kingdom finally caught up to the rest of Christendom by adopting the Gregorian calendar reform in AD 1752, some activities traditionally associated with Michaelmas Day (29 September) moved forward a fortnight to 11 October. Old Michaelmas Day, then, was said to be the last day that blackberries should be picked as fabulous folklore in Merrie Olde England relates and regales that it was on this day that the despicable Devil was kindly kicked out of holy Heaven. On his way down in his dastardly descent, the irascible Old Nick is said to have landed on a blackberry bush, subsequently cursing the prickly berries, scorching them with his fiery breath, stamping and spitting upon them. In other legends perhaps best recounted by the ever so gracious groundlings, he urinates on them. In any event, the old saying rings true as blackberries are way past their best by October. There is quaint kernel of veracity behind this loving legend as wetter and cooler weather often allows blackberries to become infected by various molds which give the fruit an unpleasant look and may be toxic, such as the above mentioned Botryotinia.

At least that is one less threat to the shares of Research In Motion.

Mr. Screwtape